A Leap of Faith

A couple of day’s ago I started to get that nasty gacky feeling in the back of my throat. I thought I might be imagining it since it’s only a few weeks since I had a virus. But now I’m on my second day in bed, congested as hell and have been feeling really bloody annoyed! I have a cold again? What’s going on???

With a slightly calmer attitude I realised that last week was quite an intense one. I consciously elected to delve into some deep emotional stuff and through 3 movement meditation sessions, an intense night out at a club and some additional unexpected energy work, a lot shifted. So perhaps this congestion and fatigue is more about clearing and less about virus.

I know that the best thing to do is just surrender to it and do nothing. But the urge in me to be writing like a demon is too great. With this persistantly irritating snotty nose I become like a petulant child (in the privacy of my own room) No, I don’t want to stay in bed. I want to finish my book! I’m going through tissues like there’s no tomorrow, and taken to launching them angrily across the room from my bed.

I gave myself a really tight deadline for writing this book, and even though it was only supposed to be a guide the fact that I’m nowhere near meeting it bothers me. If I can just reach my first milestone… Because of this rushy driven attitude, it’s also quite likely that my body’s reacting, forcing me to slow down. This has happened before.

I’m currently producing the first draft of the book, and I’m on chapter 5 (of 22) and finding this particular chapter to be like wading through treacle. Mentally and emotionally I’m in a good place to be writing about the subject matter, which is of a highly personal nature, but it’s just not flowing. There’s a mountain of information to sift through – 5 months of journals, plus about 100 emails - and I’m just not sure how much to share, how to organise the information, or whether I want to share any of it at all. I’m aware that I could eventually just decide to summarise it in a paragraph or two. When flow stops like this it’s like the whole book grinds to a halt.

With the building frustration the only way to go was to surrender. I waved my white tissue and found a nice cool patch on the bed to rest my thick head. And just a few minutes later my flow arrived. It was a very quick and simple surge of inspiration – about how to structure this chapter – and suddenly I was up and scribbling it all down. 10 minutes later I have my plan… and a much brighter spirit to boot.

I’ve known for a couple of years now that surrendering and non-action can bring wonderful results, but I still rarely consciously induce that state. My driven nature and desire to be active and productive is still strong. So often it has to come through lethargy or being unwell. What happens in those quiet spaces I call the 4 I’s – Ideas, Insights, Inspiration & Intuition. Which I find amusing since when I’m in that space I’m generally unkempt and wearing glasses. Certainly I’m not presenting my best side and feel like a ‘four-eyes’.

So now I’ve had my four-eyes experience I’m actually feeling a lot better in all ways, and my tissue usage appears to have decreased. Which is fortunate because the mountain at the base of my bed was moving towards avalanche status (not really, I’ve actually put them all in the bin). Anyway, just appreciating the mind-body system for it’s intelligence. Promise I will pay attention sooner in future.