A Leap of Faith

During cruise around Antigua on Stella Maris, we anchored off a tiny piece of land called Maiden island just off the north east corner of the mainland. It’s an idyllic looking strip of beach with mangroves behind, typical piece of natural caribbean. Since we’d anchored only about 400 metres from shore, and despite feeling a little nervous, I decided to swim from the boat to the beach and then go and explore.

It was a bit of an effort due to going against the wind and current and also I overestimated the distance I could swim easily. Just because I can tread water and drift around for half an hour - the water is so salty here it takes little energy to keep yourself afloat - it doesn’t mean I can swim flat out for 400m against the current.

By the time I was near the shore I was really looking forward to stepping onto clear white sand and walking up onto the beach. But there wasn’t any. All I could see beneath me was stuff… stuff that was unfamiliar, and uncomfortable underfoot, and was bound to have creatures living in it that I really didn’t want to step on.

So I continued to swim along the beach, in depths of a foot or so, searching for clear sand. Something about it didn’t feel quite right but I’d come all this way, I was tired, and really wanted to get to shore without treading on anything nasty.

Finally I found what I was looking for and started to swim to shore. Suddenly I saw something large, and sort of diamond-shaped, lift off the sand a foot or two ahead, and then swim past me in the opposite direction. It all happened very quickly. The word Stingray popped into my head, and although I wasn’t sure that it was, it was much bigger, and greyer, than anything I was expecting to see.

A few seconds later I was on my feet and walking onto the beach, and it was only then my brain started to process what had happened. Fortunately I found it funny, although I think it was more disbelief and nervous laughter than finding it genuinely hilarious. After all, I needed to swim back to the boat again. Either that, or just wait on the beach until Peter (owner/skipper of Stella Maris) wondered where I was and came looking for me. But as his memory seems to be little unreliable at times he may have forgotten that I was staying on the boat altogether.

Fortunately he decided to come out to explore himself so I managed to get some clothes, reefs and my camera to have a proper look around. On the way back over on the dinghy we saw a turtle too.

Back on the boat I got hold of a book to see if I could identify the fish I’d come close to earlier. Indeed it was a Stingray, a Southern stingray to be precise. Generally seen by day lying immobile on the sand or slightly buried in it. Apparently it never attacks humans, but if provoked or frightened it may sting with the long poison-loaded spine at the base of the tail. Hmmm… so what happens if you inadvertently swim towards one? Does that qualify as provoking and would it be frightened?

I have to admit it did leave me feeling a little unsettled about getting in the water again, especially where there are no other boats anchored or I cannot see anyone else swimming. However, these are the caribbean islands. People come here to swim, snorkel and dive. If it was really that dangerous you’d be hearing terrible stories all the time. Horror stories tend to be told more often than good ones, unfortunately.

So I guess I’ve learnt to be more conscious of ocean life, perhaps take a snorkel, and not swim where the water is so shallow I could end up mounting a stingray. I’m not sure how they mate but I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t be appreciated.

The other night I was feeling in need of support and guidance. Thoughtful and emotional about the last few weeks and really wanting something to steer my focus. Often my Goddess cards are good for this, quite often astounding me at how spot on they are. This time I was blown away, so I wanted to share…

For the last week I’ve been in Antigua, more specifically onboard a yacht off coast of the island. I came here in response to an invite from a friend to rest, recuperate and basically do as I pleased. There was the potential for a bit more sailing too, and lots of swimming. Previous to this I was in Grenada to spend time with a guy called Dan – a man I made a great connection with, originally on the subject of the sea and sailing, a connection I’m still in the process of understanding.

Two cards were drawn. The first was Dana, the second Sedna. Dana talks about spiritual development and teaching – demonstrating through experience, writing and speaking – essentially what the Leap of Faith experiment is doing. Sedna is a goddess of the ocean – suggesting spending more time near the sea, sailing, swimming, perhaps swimming with dolphins. Essentially exactly what I’m doing, except for the swimming with dolphins. But you know what, the following day, for the first time ever, I saw a dolphin in the wild… it swam beside the boat as we were sailing up the west coast of Antigua. It brought me to tears…

Apart from these messages – in summary, you are doing exactly what you should be doing right now – I noticed that the names of both goddesses contained the name Dan. And not only that, I noticed my surname contains the word ocean. In fact, an anagram of Deacon could be d’ ocean. Purely and simply these were my focuses, Dan and d’Ocean. For me that was perfect…

I’m aware there are a number of gaps in this blog, particularly the last month or so. Certain challenges have arisen and my focus and attention has never been more in the moment, and less on prior commitments. I do my best to post some sort of update online, often just a brief paragraph on facebook, but sometimes this just doesn’t feel of value or appropriate. In any case the whole story will be revealed in the book being published.

This particular entry was prompted by recalling the questions from the community in Grenada (in response to the challenges experienced there) and my decision not to return to the UK for now. Since things in Grenada didn’t turn out as expected, my friends there wanted to know what I was going to do, when I was returning home. Assuming that I was simply taking a holiday from my ‘normal life’ – job, routine, etc. This is what made me realise that there is no way of life to return to. Whatever is happening in the moment is my life, entirely. I really don’t feel connected to anything else but my present experience.

In the UK I have friends and family, a house and possessions, but my life is not there. I could create one there, but for the last few years whatever I’ve been able to create for myself there didnt entirely resonate, wasn’t truly fulfilling. Since ME stopped me in my tracks in 2005 I have never quite found a solid or sustainable lifestyle. I was trying to find my niche, and since I embarked on the Leap of Faith journey, nearly a year ago, I finally feel that I’ve found it.

So far the journey has manifested itself as a series of different realities and a rather nomadic lifestyle, often moving from one place to the next offering quite varied and contrasting experiences. In the near future I sense this will change. I believe the approach and attitude will continue, but how it manifests in terms of the reality I create and the environment i live in will change.

When activities around my ‘work’ change, I may need a base for example, and when I’m committed to a long term partnership in love, I will settle into a co-created reality that lasts for a longer term. Then life will look and feel very different to how it does now. For one, I will cease being so nomadic. However, I will still be living in the present. It is here and now that feels so very vibrant and alive. Sometimes incredibly intense and overwhelming, but always so alive.

The reality in Grenada went from the most blissful, relaxed and at peace to the most unbelievable, agonising, mind-bending and loving reality I’d ever experienced. It was my entire world. This reality I’m in now is about resting, writing, sailing and swimming, and generally reconnecting with my purpose – exploring these philosophies, and documenting what I discover. And this is now my entire world. This Leap of Faith journey has been the most incredible set of experiences I’ve ever known. No matter what happens and whatever I feel, I know in my heart, without a shadow of a doubt, it is absolutely what I am supposed to be doing, and being.

A few days ago when I arrived in Grenada to stay with Dan he announced, ‘I’ve given up looking at your blog, you never write anything!’ Little did I know at the time that my next entry would be about him… Spark is a poem to I wrote to express my feelings, for Daniel Hemley.

Since Sat night I’ve found it impossible to express myself in words as I normally do, couldn’t bring myself to put pen to paper. I’m not prepared to share the whole story now, but am willing to share these words. This poem was written on 8^th March in a state of no mind and deepest feeling, raw and from the heart.

The following words express how I saw Dan, the impression he made on me through his words and actions, and what he shared with me in terms of his experiences and passions.

Your vibrancy and spark

has left an indelible mark

Your spirit, light and love

is felt within and from above

I saw you as unique

in what you did, all you seek

Your beautiful eyes, water and fire

I admired, still so inspired

On this plane the journey ends

up above it now extends

This end is also a beginning

never lost, always winning

Your light lives on

is eternal, never gone

An incredible teacher you are

as you rest in a star